


Just Because

by FlashMountain



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Boys Kissing, Developing Relationship, Heartache, Light Angst, Light Smut, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Pining, Romance, Some Fluff, ambiguous ending, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 23:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20938730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlashMountain/pseuds/FlashMountain
Summary: Billy Hargrove doesn’t care about people. He isn’t sweet or gentle or loving in any sense of the words. He couldn’t care less about the people around him, and they don’t give a shit about him in return. The only one who Billy can even consider loving that isn’t his mom or even Maxine, is Harrington. It’s complicated and messy, and Billy hates it.—A fic inspired by Just Because by Twin Peaks.





	Just Because

_Just because I love you_  
_ Doesn't mean that I care_  
  
Billy Hargrove doesn’t care about people. He isn’t sweet or gentle or loving in any sense of the words. He couldn’t care less about the people around him, and they don’t give a shit about him in return. The only one who Billy can even consider loving that isn’t his mom or even _Maxine_, is Harrington. It’s complicated and messy, and Billy hates it. Hates how for the first time in what seems like forever, he’s not in control. He’s falling face down, down, down to something he can’t see. But he knows what it is. The feeling in his gut, like a hook, whenever he sees Steve. Knows that it’s something skirting dangerously close to love.  
  
In love or not, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause nothing good could ever come out of it. Even if every time Billy looks, Steve looks back. Even if every time Billy pushes the limit, Steve pushes right back. It doesn’t matter, ‘cause whatever Billy might think or feel, he made sure that Steve knows that he doesn’t _care_. And he doesn’t. Why would he, when Steve isn’t his. It’s painfully obvious, that whatever _chemistry_ they have, Steve’s heart belongs to someone else. Wheeler. She broke his heart, yet it’s still hers. When Steve isn’t looking at him, he’s looking at _her_. His big doe eyes trained at her, looking mopey and sad and so in love (Billy sometimes wonders if that’s what he looks like when he’s looking at Steve). Even when creepy Byers is standing by her side, Steve can’t stop looking. And Billy gets it. Gets it because he’s no better. But for once, Billy just wants his life to be good. He knows he doesn’t really deserve it, doesn't deserve anything good at this point. He knows it won’t happen, so he doesn’t waste his time by caring. He’s a jerk most of the time, rude and gives his opinion when Steve clearly doesn’t want it. Taunts him and comes too close, not backing down ‘till he gets at least something.  
  
He doesn’t _care_, but he does.  
  
_ And just because we're together_  
_ Doesn't mean that it's fair_  
  
The first time they kiss, Steve’s drunk of his ass and won’t stop talking. It’s not like Billy isn’t used to Steves rambling and bitching, but he just wanted _one night_ without hearing about Nancy Wheeler and what she might be doing. He tuned out around the second time her name slipped past Harrington’s pouting lips, sinking down into the huge couch in Steve’s basement. He focuses on the rain clattering on the small windows, on the creaking of the house. He sips from the bottle of too expensive vodka stolen from Mr. Harrington’s office. He’s buzzed, pleasantly so, but the chosen topic of tonight (and so many other nights) is threatening to make him come crashing down. Steve snaps him out of his thoughts by reaching out to take the bottle from him, even though Steve alone is responsible for drinking more than half of it.  
  
“Gimme that. Are you even listening to me?” Steve probably think he looks accusing and mean, but just manages to pout even more and blink his huge brown eyes at him (_god he looks kissable). _  
  
“Nah, and you’re fuckin’ drunk, bud” And fuck, Billy really doesn’t give a fuck about how great Wheeler is at this and that and everything. And he knows that she’s all Steve’ll talk about _anyway_. Steve rolls his eyes and moves closer to Billy on the couch, close enough for him to smell the vodka on Harringtons breath.  
  
“I said, if she deserves to be happy, I do too. I should be happy. Don’t you agree?” Steve’s voice is husky and low, barely above a whisper like he’s telling a secret. And Billy wishes he could say it didn’t affect him.  
  
“Yeah. Go be happy, Harrington.” Billy says lightly, even though he knows that the closer Steve is to his happiness, the farther away Billy is from his.  
  
“I don’t need to go anywhere. I just-“ Steve cuts himself off, pinning Billy down with a stare so intense that Billy wants to shy away. But he doesn’t, never backs down from anything. He doesn’t move away when Steve comes closer, doesn’t turn away when Steve leans in. He almost can’t process what’s happening. Can’t really understand that Steve’s _kissing_ him. When Steve pulls pack his eyes are searching, searching for something Billy doesn’t know if he has. So he grabs Steve by the nape of his neck and kisses him. It’s nice. It’s great. Better than anything Billy’s ever experienced. It’s consuming and it sucks him in, almost scaring him. He should pull away, should stop this while he still can (but he can’t stop it, he’s helpless. Has been ever since he saw Steve for the first time). He knows that Steve’s drunk and lonely and thinking about his ex, and Billy’s just close and willing, _so willing_.  
  
Billy entertains him until Steve pulls away, a dazed smile playing at his lips.  
  
”Man, I’m beat. You wanna crash?” Steve makes it sound like some kind of invitation, and Billy doesn’t know what to do. So he smiles and follows Steve up. Harrington heads for the second flight of stairs, up to where Billy knows his bedroom is, but Billy goes through the hallway down to the Harrington’s front door. He throws a _bye_ over his shoulder and heads to his Camaro, parked down the street. He sits for a while, trying to not think about what all this _means_. Because it’s not fair. Billy might be destructive, to a point where it’s unhealthy, but he doesn’t actually want to destroy himself. And whatever they started tonight is a great way for him to do just that. Because no matter how appealing Billy might be to drunk Steve, he knows that Steve’s not over Wheeler. Thinks about her constantly, thought about her tonight, maybe even when he pressed his lips against Billy’s.  
  
And it’s just not _fair_, Billy thinks as he speeds off into the night, road blurry and unfocused in front of him.  
  
_ Just because I want you_  
_ Doesn't mean that I want what you nee_d  
  
After that first kiss, Billy wants more. Even if he thought long an hard about how fucking _stupid_ it would be to do anything about this, Billy still wants to. Wants to kiss Steve again, wants to feel him everywhere. Billy can’t get the _want_ out of his head, no matter how hard he tries. The rest of his weekend is abnormally Steve free, and he hates himself for letting Steve’s company become a habit, something he’s expecting. He does his chores around the house, drives Maxine wherever she feels she just _has_ to be. Stays out of his dads way, keeping his head down for once in his goddamn life.  
  
School again on Monday, like always. He meets Steve outside for a smoke, like always (even though they’ve only been doing that for around a month). He doesn’t say much, doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence with words, like Steve usually does. But today he’s quiet too, mellow and almost washed out. And he keeps looking at him. Just looking, big eyes roaming over Billy’s face and occasionally down his body. Billy wants to feel smug, wants to get that familiar feeling he gets when he knows he’s _desired_, but he feels more like he’s being observed under a magnifying glass.  
  
“What?” He finally snaps, sharp and confrontational. Steve flinches, barely noticeable but it’s enough for Billy to feel guilty. And fuck that. He doesn’t know when he started feeling _guilty_ about picking fights, doesn't know when he got so _weak_.  
  
“Uh, nothin’. Or well, I guess it is something. I, what happened last Friday, I, uh” Steve’s talking like he usually does when he’s nervous, stumbling over words and sounding like a general moron, and Billy takes pity in him, saves Steve from having to say it.

“I get it. You were drunk as fuck, I’m surprised you even remember it” Billy tries to laugh, the sound coming out slightly strangled and empty. And Steve squints at him, as if he’s seeing straight through Billy’s bullshit.  
  
“No, I uh, definitely remember it” Steve clears his throat, a light blush forming on his cheeks (Billy wants to see what else makes him blush like that) “I didn’t do that ‘cause I was drunk, I’ve been-“ Steve trails off again, and Billy desperately wishes he didn’t. I’ve been _what_? Thinking about it? Crazy about you this whole time? Billy’s _stupid_, stupid brain fills in the blanks for him without his permission. He tries to put out the flicker of hope fluttering in his chest, warming him up from inside. But Steve doesn’t pick up the sentence, busy staring at something across from the parking lot. Staring at someone. Billy turns his head in the same direction just in time to see Byers kissing Wheeler against his crappy Ford. It’s a sweet kiss, a peck, nothing as scandalous as what other couples do in public places.  
  
Steve looks like he’s hurting, face closed off but his ever expressive eyes betraying him. And it hurts Billy too, for all the wrong reasons. It hurts because even when she’s pressed up against another guy, Wheeler still has total control over Steve. It reminds him of how Steve isn’t _his_, no matter how many kisses they’ve shared. And look, Billy gets why Steve still wants her. She’s everything he wants, everything he _needs. _Without a doubt Billy knew that she was the perfect little girlfriend. Sweet, caring, bringing you soup when you’re sick type of shit. The perfect counterpart for Steve. He needs someone who’ll take care of him, who’ll give a shit and be gentle. And he needs someone lovable, someone who’ll accept Steve’s doting and all that love he seems to carry (love that’s not meant for Billy). 

Billy’s not meant to be here. He’s not meant to witness Steve’s heart break again and again every time he sees Wheeler. He can’t be the supporting friend, urging Steve to win her back, and he can’t be Steve’s _Wheeler, _can’t give him what he needs. So he leaves. Puts out his forgotten cigarette and heads in, wondering if Steve even noticed or if he only got eyes for Wheeler. 

Billy leaves, ‘cause he needs to stop being so fucking selfish. Needs to stop thinking that him wanting Steve is enough. Needs to stop ruining Steve, he should be a decent friend and understand that Steve doesn’t need Billy’s shit in his life. Steve clearly just wants his life to be back to what it was, before Billy came along. Maybe what Steve really _needs,_ is for Billy to be fucking gone. 

  
_ And just because you're thinkin' what I'm thinkin'_   
_ Doesn't mean you're really thinkin' about me_

Billy can’t stay away from Harrington for too long, pathetically drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He avoids Steve for three days before he gets practically cornered after basketball practice. Steve’s standing between Billy and his car, arms crossed across his chest and feet planted as if he’s planning on physically stopping Billy from running away. As if Billy wouldn't do anything Steve asked of him. 

“Harrington” He says as a greeting when he’s close enough (not nearly close enough). 

“Hey. You done ignoring me?” Steve asks, because he’s dramatic like that. Billy scoffs as if he hadn’t actually been ignoring him like his life expended on it. 

“Jesus, I’m not ignoring you. You’re such a girl sometimes” Billy knows he’s being an asshole, knows he should stop. But he feels the need to hide away, build up a wall so Steve can’t see how vulnerable is. 

“Whatever. You coming over or what?” Steve says it so easily it startles Billy out of his carefully crafted blank expression. He’d been expecting a fight, nasty words or fists. Didn’t expect Steve to just go on like usual. 

“Lead the way” He answers, probably too fast and too eager. Steve gives him one of those half smiles that always _does_ something to him, makes his stomach all fluttery and head fuzzy. Steve heads over to his terribly preppy Beamer, and Billy follows him out in his own car. He could’ve sped ahead of Steve, but he stayed behind him - even though Steve drives like a demented grandmother, keeping the speed limit. 

Harrington doesn't wait for Billy to park his car and get out before unlocking his front door and going inside, leaving the door open for Billy to wander in. The way Steve’s acting all nonchalant is _doing_ something to him, excitement building in his gut as he hurries up the steps and heads into the Harringtons foyer. Steve didn’t head far into the house, standing in the middle of the room, shoulders tense and drawn up to his ears. As soon as he caught sight of Billy he surged forward, and Billy’s first reaction was to prepare for a hit. Instead, he gets pushed into the solid door, hears a mumbled “Can’t stop thinking about this” and feels Steves lips crash against his own. The kiss is aggressive, too much teeth and no finesse, but it’s the best one Billy’s ever had. Steves hands come up to cradle his jaw and its so very soft, and he doesn’t know what to do with that. His own hands find Steve’s hair, twisting and pulling enough to draw a hiss out of Steve. Billy starts pushing back, flips them around so he’s pinning Steve down, connected with him from chest to toes. He feels the moan Steve emits more than hears it, and it makes his knees buckle. It’s so much, so intense and Billy hadn’t even stopped to wonder what the hell is happening. He just knows that he never wants to stop. 

The shrill ring of the hallway telephone breaks the spell, makes Billy pull back and wipes out the dopey expression on Steve’s face. Billy’s still in Steve’s space, breathing heavily and not wanting to move another inch.

”I should. Probably, uh, get that” Steve gets out, and Billy nods once before stepping out of the way so Steve can reach the phone. 

“Hey. Harrington residence” Steve answers in a monotone voice that Billy would make fun of if he wasn’t so far gone. He can’t hear who’s on the line, but he hopes it’s someone Steve doesn’t mind hanging up on. “Nance! Hey hey, slow down” It feels like a bucket of ice cold water being thrown at him, realising that it’s Wheeler on the phone. Of course it is. He can’t help but hear the desperate cheeriness in Steves voice, as if _Nancy Wheeler_ calling him is a blessing from God himself. _Can’t stop thinking about this _plays on repeat in Billy’s head, and he feels fucking stupid for believing it. So fucking stupid for thinking that ‘_this’ _meant him. But he knows what it means. _This_ means a warm, willing body. _This_ means something to pass the time while waiting for beloved Wheeler to come crawling back. It didn’t mean that Steve wanted him the way he wanted Steve. Doesn’t mean that Steve wants anything from him except for a quick fuck or just some fuckin’ attention. Doesn’t mean that Steve spends every waking moment of his time thinking about Billy, the way he thinks about _Steve. So fucking stupid _for believing even for a second that something good could happen to him. 

Billy doesn’t hear what Steve says, but he knows it’s some sort of excuse, telling him how much he’d like to continue this, but he’s gotta go. Billy doesn’t ask where he’s going, because he already knows. Knows that Steve’s going to Wheeler, is probably thrilled that for once _she’s _the one asking for _him. _Thrilled that he gets to spend time with the one he wants. Billy lets Steve kiss him before he leaves, thinks that maybe it’s their last kiss. Thinks that even if Steve gets together with Wheeler again Billy’d let him kiss him, because he’s weak and selfish and will take anything Steve throws at him.

He doesn’t remember driving home, only remember thinking _he’s thinking about her, not you_ over and over.

_Just because I'm a sun-baby  
_ _Doesn't mean I don't fuck with the moon_

Billy misses California. Misses it so much it hurts. The sun, the waves, the _life._ Hawkins is dead compared to it, is nothing. He can feel it suck the life out of everything warm, can almost feel day to day how he gets paler, tired and washed out like every hick in this goddamn town. Harrington makes him forget, brings temporary life into the otherwise dull and grey world. Not because he’s sunny or warm like Cali, ‘cause he’s really not. He’s something else completely, something new that Billy’s never seen before. If his life was some cheap romance novel, he’d compare Steve to the moon. The opposite of him really, with his golden skin and the Cali glow he clings to. Not cold, but almost untouchable, staying away until he decides it’s worth his time. Billy doesn’t know why Steve might think he’s worth an ounce of his time. They’d met up a couple of times after that day at the Harringtons, sometimes to hang like they used to, and sometimes to fuck. Billy loved it. Loved how he managed to make Steve lose it, make him stupid with lust and passion. Loved that at least when they fuck, Steve pays attention to him and him only. Nothing else matters but them. No matter if it’s in one of their cars, hidden away in some abandoned part of the ghost town they live in, or in Steves empty house. They took their time when they were there, sharing kisses on the couch for what could be hours before moving to Steves huge, soft bed. Afterwards, Billy never stayed. Had to get home before curfew, before his dad would wonder where he spends his nights. And Steve doesn’t ask him to stay, it’s almost a relief. Billy could almost pretend that he doesn’t ask because he _gets it,_ gets why he has to hurry home, and not because he just doesn’t want him there. 

Sometimes Steve cancels their vaguely formed plans, and Billy will start to notice the coldness seeping out from every crack and corner in Hawkins. He gets excuses that aren’t really excuses, gets a Steve that avoids eye contact and mumbles about _study group. _Billy saw him and his _study group_ when he was on the hunt for Max, who conveniently left out where she’d be after school. Saw Steve sit across from Wheeler in the big windows of the least crappy diner in town, saw how Steve reached out to touch her elbow resting on the table, comforting. Soft. Like it’s a practised routine. Which it is. 

But Billy still pretends. Pretends that Steve’s meant for him when they fuck. Pretends that their hangouts are more than just that. Pretend that Steve’s his moon and he’s the sun. Pretends that Steve’s actually _his. _  
  
_ Just because it's forever  
Doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel blue_

Billy knows that he’s way past the point of no return. Knows that he’s in too deep to ever turn back around. If he thought he was stuck when he saw Harrington that first day, it was nothing compared to now. Now when he knew what Steve kissed like, how he tasted. Knew what made him whine and moan and babble nonsensical things. Billy’d almost accepted it at this point. He was in love with Steve Harrington. And there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing to be done. He should be happy with what he gets, should use his fucking brain to realise that he’d never get anything more than what he already got. He lives in fucking Indiana, no matter how much he wanted it, him and Steve could never be anything real. Not that Steve would want that. Steve Harrington doesn’t belong with someone like him. He’d realise that soon too. Realise that it’s time for him and Wheeler to _work it out_, get hitched and get their two point five kids and white picket fence. Harrington would shove the part of him that’s even remotely intrigued by Billy down deep, until it’s forgotten. And Billy would stay the same. Stay pathetically in love with someone who would never love him as much, could never. He could move, go back _home_ or eight thousand miles away, but Steve would always stay right there buried in his heart. Buried too deep to rip out, too deep to do something about it. 

But for now, Billy’s enjoying it. Enjoys every minute he gets to spend with Steve, makes the most of it. Ignores the sharp pain he feels whenever he catches Steve looking at _her_, ignores it when he knows Steve’s with her. He kisses Steve like it’s the last time (‘cause he'll never know when it’ll happen), takes and gives like the world’s ending, jokes and keeps it so light, _fun. _Even though it feels like torture. Even though he wishes he’d just _stop._ He hates how it makes him feel, the helplessness and anger and _pain._

Billy starts staying over, stopped caring about what his dad might say or do, too busy trying to make the most of it while he can. Steve doesn’t complain, smiles that half smile when Billy just stays in his bead, sweaty and still gasping for air, instead of being half way out the door like he’d usually be by now. Billy loves it. Loves the sense of safety he gets when he’s not sleeping alone. Curled up with Steve in his bed might be what Billy loves doing the most, because it gives him the opportunity to _pretend_ that Steve loves it (loves him) as much as Billy does. He notices that Steve’s a restless sleeper. He squirms and shoves the comforter away. And he talks in his sleep. Usually mumbles, or just whines and whimpers that makes Billy wonder what kind of nightmares haunts Steve. But sometimes it’s understandable when Billy wishes it wasn’t. When he hears _Nancy_ and _please. _When he hears _come back _and he’s reminded of what this really is. 

But he ignores it. Ignores every single thing that makes his heart hurt and stomach sink, because he knows that if Steve would let him, he’d stay with him forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I wrote this ‘cause the song’s been stuck on my mind since forever, and I was in the mood for some Billy angst. 
> 
> This is un beta’d, so feel free to point out any mistakes. 
> 
> \- I don’t own any of the characters, or the lyrics to the song Just Because by Twin Peaks.
> 
> Find me on tumblr: @awickedplacethisis


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